Seattle psychologist Yushin Sun sees many clients in her group clinic who claim they're not perfectionists. “Oh, I'm not perfect. I'm far from perfect,” they tell her.
But perfectionism isn't about being the best in a particular pursuit, Dr. Sun said, “it's a feeling of never getting there, never being good enough, never feeling good enough.” . And that can create a harsh inner voice that belittles and condemns us.
Perfectionism is so pervasive that there is a test to measure it, the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. When researchers looked at how college students responded to the scale's questions over time, they found that rates of perfectionism have skyrocketed in recent decades, with a spike from 2006 to 2022. .
Thomas Curran, an associate professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science who led the analysis, said the fastest-growing type of perfectionism is socially prescribed perfection. The doctrine is rooted in the following beliefs: others Expect you to be perfect. Today's young people are more likely to score much higher on this indicator than those who took the test decades ago. The increase can be attributed to a variety of reasons, including increased parental expectations, pressure from schools, and the prevalence of social media influencers and advertising.
Feeling that you are not good enough or that “your current life circumstances are inadequate or not good enough” creates a “constant treadmill” that leads to “no joy in success and a lot of self-criticism.” said Dr. Curran.
Whether you consider yourself a perfectionist or not, experts say there are many small things you can do to tame your inner critic.
Take some distance from your thoughts.
Ethan Cross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of “Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters and How to Harness It,” says the process of distancing is the “first step” in dealing with negative emotions. “It's the first line of defense,” he said. thought.
Distancing is a way to zoom out of our inner chatter and approach it in a different way. For example, if you find yourself worrying about something in the middle of the night, that's a signal to “jump into your mental time-travel machine,” he says.
Start by imagining, “How will I feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxiety often looks less serious in the light of day.
The period may also be further into the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times during your big presentation today really matter in three months?
Another way to practice distancing is to avoid first-person language when thinking about something upsetting.
Instead of saying: “I can't believe I made that mistake. It was so stupid of me.” You might gain a new perspective by someone saying: “Christina, you made a mistake. You feel bad about it now. But you won't continue to feel that way forever. And your mistake will affect many others. That’s what happened.”
Dr. Cross's research shows that when people start using the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I” and observing their own emotions as if they were an impartial observer, they “flip a switch.” I discovered that “it's like entering.'' The result was a more constructive and positive internal dialogue than those who spoke to themselves in the first person. A number of studies have reported similar benefits of assuming a more objective perspective.
Accept what is good enough.
Dr. Curran, who wrote about her struggles in her book, The Perfection Trap, explained that she has worked to overcome perfectionism and the negative thoughts that come with it and embrace the idea that “this is enough.''
Perfectionists can feel like nothing is “good enough.” To embrace what is “good enough,” Dr. Curran said, we need to let go. Working nights, weekends, and holidays had become part of his identity, but after his son was born he reduced his working hours, which became “liberating.”
He added that his decisions in the past were driven by an insecure desire to improve himself. Now, when he thinks about how he spends his time, he tries to focus on the things that bring him joy, purpose, and meaning.
It's a philosophy shared by Canadian physician and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté, who said on a recent podcast that feelings of worth or worth need to come from within. He said people need to make sure they don't “sacrifice playfulness and joy” for external recognition. .
Practice self-compassion.
In general, Dr. Sun says perfectionism is often a survival strategy, “like an armor” that prevents us from feeling weak. So don't beat yourself up for having perfectionist tendencies, she added.
But if that armor is weighing you down, do what home organizer Marie Kondo does when she gets rid of her belongings and be grateful that your perfectionism has helped you. It may be time to move on, Dr. Sun said.
“Maybe you can remove the arms first,” she said, then worked on removing the figurative legs. You may want to find a mental health professional to help you with this process.
“I often work with people to build emotional safety, which is the ability to calm down and give yourself the validation you need to feel at peace. One day they will be able to say to themselves, “Yes,” Dr. Sun said. I accept myself for who I am today, not who I am “supposed” to be. ”
