Take a moment and imagine a small gray stone resting in the palm of your hand: it is quiet, smooth, and there is nothing particularly remarkable about it.
Are you bored yet? If so, that's the point.
Most people eventually lose interest in bland granite, so a theory circulating online claims that by adopting the stone's properties and becoming an emotionless, bland person, you can scare away argumentative, hostile people who crave conflict.
Called the “grey rock” method, it's taken off on social media over the past decade, with TikTok influencers sharing strategies to channel their inner rock. It even made headlines on a recent episode of the reality TV show “Vanderpump Rules,” when contestant Ariana Madix said using the technique helped her avoid a toxic relationship with cheating ex-boyfriend Tom Sandoval.
The goal of the grey lock technique is to cut ties without cutting contact, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of “It's Not You: Identifying and Healing Narcissistic People.” Grey lockers remain neutral, keep interactions “brief and lean,” and avoid sharing information that could be used against them, Durvasula added.
However, some psychologists say that while this method can be useful in certain situations, it's not always the right solution.
How does “Greylocking” work?
There are no official rules for Grey Locking. The method has not been researched or derived from evidence-based psychological practice.
But generally, grey rocking can be thought of as a form of emotional withdrawal, Dr Durvasula said.
Hostile people are usually looking for a fight, she added, and greylocking is a way to keep the peace and avoid getting “stuck in the mud with them.”
This is particularly effective for texting and other written communication as a way to avoid long, rambling messages, she said, and it's also a useful strategy in the workplace where brevity is valued, she added.
There are many variations on grey rocking. One communications coach took to TikTok to demonstrate different ways to avoid coming across as “overly cold and awkward.” She calls it “soft grey rocking.” For example, if someone asks how your job search is going, instead of explaining how hard it's been, you can talk about all the different networking events you've been to, she says.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conversations can get heated, and if the person you're interacting with continues to be rude, dishonest, or manipulative, it may be best to cut off contact, says Dr. Durvasula. But not everyone can do that so quickly, especially if the relationship involves a close family member or spouse.
Tina Swithun, founder of One Mom's Battle, a website and online community for people divorcing people with narcissistic tendencies, recommends the “yellow rock” technique, especially in co-parenting situations.
Unlike the grey rock, which is “cold to the touch and somewhat aloof,” the yellow rock “has a friendly air,” she writes in a guide for parents navigating the family court system.
According to Swithun, someone using the Yellow Rock Technique might say, “I don't agree with what you say, but you have every right to feel that way,” or, “I'd like to take a break from this topic and re-process my feelings, because it's not moving in a positive or productive direction. Let's discuss this again next week.”
Where did this concept come from?
Though Durvasula advises patients in her private practice on how to best use the technique and has even given grey locks as gifts at book signings, she didn't learn the technique in school. In fact, grey locks appear to have been invented outside the realm of psychology; Durvasula said she stumbled across the term online more than a decade ago, if she remembers correctly.
One of the earliest references to it can be found on the website “Love Fraud” run by Donna Andersen.
Andersen said she founded Love Fraud in 2005 to warn people about scammers and psychopaths after she discovered her then-husband had stolen $250,000 from her and had numerous affairs.
In 2012, a member of the online community, who wished to remain anonymous, wrote an essay titled “The Greylock Method for Dealing with Psychopaths,” in which he advised that if cutting off contact is not possible, one way out is to offer boring, monotonous responses during conversations.
“Psychopaths are addicted to drama and can't stand boredom,” the writer continued.
When should you try Grey Rock?
Lara Fielding, a behavioral psychologist in St. Helena, California, and author of Mastering Adulthood, cautions against long-term use of greylocking.
“I call this a stress resilience technique,” she said, adding that it's best used during a crisis. Sometimes, she added, it's about “doing what you need to do to not make the situation worse.”
But over time, grey locking can become ineffective, she adds, “because you're disconnecting yourself from how you truly feel and essentially denying your own needs.”
If you decide to do it, she said, ask yourself three questions: First, is it effective? Second, how long can I keep doing this before it starts to harm me? And third, if I have to do this often, am I working to solve a problem?
In some cases, the person wearing grey locks may become upset that you're not speaking to them as you normally would, which could lead to further tensions, says Dr Durvasula.
If you want to maintain this relationship, the VAR method, which stands for Verify, Assert, Reinforce, may help you establish boundaries and de-escalate the situation.
Dr. Fielding gave the following example:
Affirm: “I can see this is upsetting to you.”
Affirm: “At the same time, this discussion is becoming a bit stressful for me. Can we take a break and then come back to this?”
Emphasis: “If you could just take a break or speak a little quieter, I could hear you better.”