On Wednesday evening, Newtown High School graduates were lined up on an outdoor stage in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, to shake hands and receive their diplomas when 20 of their classmates were missing.
For dozens of older students at Sandy Hook Elementary School, their classmates have been missing for more than 11 years. They were in the first grade when a gunman stormed into the school on Dec. 14, 2012, in one of the deadliest mass shootings in U.S. history, killing 20 students, ages 6 and 7, and six faculty and staff members.
The graduates pinned green ribbons with the words “We Choose Love” and “Forever in Our Hearts” onto their blue-and-white graduation gowns and sat on folding chairs on the school's football field and listened to the principal read the names of the 20 graduating class.
“Their names were supposed to be read out that day and it's awful that they weren't there,” said Matt Holden, 17, a survivor of the Sandy Hook shooting. “They should have been there.”
Nicole Hockley, whose son Dylan was 6 years old when he was killed in the shooting, said the school had been considerate of the victims' families by including a tribute in the school yearbook and inviting them to Wednesday's ceremony, but she decided not to attend.
She said in an interview that she didn't want to discourage those preparing to graduate.
“It's a strange day because, honestly, I'm really happy for all of our students who are graduating,” Hockley said.
“But at the same time, of course, my heart aches,” she said. “I wish Dylan and the other kids who were killed at Sandy Hook could have been here today.”
Father Robert Weiss, a Roman Catholic priest who was the first to arrive at the scene of the shooting, said Newtown has changed a lot since the shooting. New families have moved into town. New buildings have been erected.
But Bishop Weiss says a hidden bond remains between the people who lived there back then: Even today, when he walks into a Starbucks and orders a coffee, he finds someone has paid for it as a thank you for helping to rebuild the town.
Father Weiss accompanied police to the homes of each victim to inform their families. He returned home at 2 a.m. and turned on the television, hoping to watch a Christmas movie and fall asleep. Instead, he heard “Carousel” and the song “You'll Never Walk Alone.”
It was then that he realized the people of Newtown would have to rely on each other to survive.
“I think it's wonderful how so many people who were really there at the disaster site have come together and really strengthened each other,” he said.
Changes or not, it's been a tough week in Newtown, with news trucks and television cameras lining Main Street and bringing back memories of that December.
Mark Burden, whose son, Daniel, 7, was killed in the shooting, said he was caught off guard by the emotional weight of graduation day.
As the years passed and he reached certain milestones in his son's life, he wondered what he would look like, what he'd be doing and what his future held. Graduation “brings it all together and gives it closure,” he said.
“My heart goes out to that class of people who survived that horrific atrocity and who now have to live with it for the rest of their lives,” said Baden, who also declined to attend the ceremony.
“There's definitely an element of leaving the ecological safety of their high school environment and their hometown,” he says, “so they're having to contend with normal anxieties, and then on top of that they also have these additional life experiences that have been forced upon them.”
Holden said three scenes from the day of the shooting remain vivid in his mind.
He remembers being confronted by police with guns drawn, seeing his mother crying uncontrollably outside his school and noticing that some classes were largely absent as he lined up by class at the fire station that had become a reunion center.
Later that afternoon, Holden says, his parents took him for a walk and tried to explain to him what had happened. For years it didn't sink in, but he must have understood on some level, because he started collecting rocks for the friends his parents said he would never see again.
Those rocks still sit in his backyard, where his family has erected a makeshift memorial for the victims of the shooting.
This week, as per town tradition, Newtown High School graduates visited their elementary schools. This was Holden's first time visiting the new Sandy Hook High School, which was rebuilt after the building where the shooting happened was demolished.
He and other survivors walked through the hallways, high-fiving students.
“It was a lot of fun,” he said. “It was really great to see the smiles on their faces, knowing that they were having a great experience.”
But seeing how small the first-graders were reminded of how young he was when the shooting happened, and he realized nothing could have prepared him for what happened.
The ripple effects of the May 24, 2022, massacre at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas, where a gunman opened fire, killing 19 fourth-graders and two teachers, have hit Newtown hard, Bishop Weiss said.
Because it was so similar to what happened at Sandy Hook, people found it particularly difficult to comprehend, despite the constant news coverage of mass shootings in the United States.
“People are kind of getting used to it. This is a terrible thing to say, but it's so commonplace now,” Bishop Weiss said. “Grocery stores, shopping malls, movie theaters, churches, you know, it's woven into the fabric of our lives.”
Holden plans to attend college in Washington, D.C. in the fall to study political science, with hopes of going into politics and fighting for gun control.
“After Sandy Hook, there should have been change. Maybe there was some change, but it was never enough,” he said. “I now see that if you want to make a change, the best way to make it happen is to go out and do it yourself.”
Holden said the mood on graduation day was generally celebratory, but also solemn. High school principal Kimberly Longobucco read the names of each student who died in the shooting, followed by a moment of silence.
“We will never forget their courage, their kindness and their spirit,” Dr. Longobucco said. “Let us strive to honor them today and always.”
She spent nearly two minutes reading the names that the surviving graduates vowed not to forget and that inspired them to take their next steps.
“I think this is a really beautiful way to remember what was lost and what should remain here,” Hockley said. “These kids are carrying my son and others on their backs.”
Neil Vigdor Contributed report.