Last year, Tracy McCubbin, who has been a professional tidyer for 20 years and lives by the motto of “cleaning things up,'' she married a man she described as “very messy.''
Both admitted the unlikely pairing was a “cosmic joke”. When the couple first moved in together, McCubbin put blue paint tape on every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen and provided a map of what was where. But she's also learned to practice what she preaches to her clients and remain calm and collected about disruptions that don't affect her daily life. She's certain she doesn't own them anymore, as does his nightstand, which is buried under books, charging cables, and the TV remote.
Or the miscellaneous tools her husband, an avid gardener, leaves behind in the garden. “It's all over the place,” McCubbin said with a sigh. “But you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees are producing fruit. What's really important is to understand that this part isn't important.” ”
Ms. McCubbin and other organizational and psychology experts said there are some practical strategies that can help pack rats and neatniks coexist in relative harmony.
Improve your organizational system.
“Often times when someone is more disorganized, the underlying idea is that they're doing it wrong, that they're doing it wrong, that it's their fault,” McCubbin says. But in many cases, a cluttered home simply means you don't have a good system in place.
She says some of the solutions she offers clients are too obvious. For example, she has worked with frustrated parents whose children throw backpacks and coats onto what she calls the “landing” just inside the front door. It's a good idea to hang some hooks within easy reach.
McCubbin also recommends adding enough shelving to accommodate your avid reader's books. (“The golden rule is that they have to be on shelves; they can't be piled up on the floor.'') At home, she kept the dishes by the front door, so her husband could say, I never lost anything. She spends 10 or 15 minutes every day looking for her wallet and keys.
“It's always important to explain that these systems are in place to help, not because 'you're wrong,'” she says.
Emphasis on functionality.
McCubbin said it's most important to consider the practical implications of clutter.
“The goal of decluttering is to make your home work for you,” she said. “It's not about having rainbow-colored bookshelves or making it look perfect, it's about controlling the clutter so you can still cook in the kitchen and actually use the garage.”
McCubbin advises her clients to put most of their energy into communal spaces. For example, she said she and her husband love to cook, so the kitchen needs to work well for them. But she doesn't have to see the mess because he has an office and a bathroom that she rarely steps into. (She acknowledged that many people don't have that much space.)
Focusing on functionality is especially helpful for parents who don't want to fight with their kids over a messy bedroom. Antonia Collins, who runs her website Balance Through Simplicity, has two adolescent daughters, one of whom struggles with organization. So Collins says she laid down her basic ground rules. For example, she insists that the floor is not cluttered and that there is enough desk for her to study. (She also expects her daughters to leave their dirty laundry next to the washing machine and return any plates or glasses to the kitchen.) But if the bed isn't perfectly made or , she turns a blind eye when beautiful things pile up. Clothes in the corner.
Let's consider a deeper issue at play.
Sometimes clutter piles up because someone doesn't want to put in the effort to clean and organize. It can also be caused by having a mental or physical disorder, says Michael A. Tompkins, a psychologist and co-author of Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding and Compulsive Acquiring. He explained that there are cases.
Perhaps the most obvious example is hoarding disorder, but there are other connections between mental health and clutter. For example, people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and other executive function issues often suffer from excessive confusion. Patience and understanding go a long way in such cases, he said.
Physical limitations may also be a factor. “I'm 73 years old, so I can speak to you personally about this,” Dr. Tompkins said. “My reduced physical ability has reduced my ability to maintain my living environment, not because I am still not interested in keeping my living environment tidy.”
She says to look out for sudden or drastic changes in cleanliness in your home (or if things seem to be accumulating in an unhealthy amount), which could indicate an underlying health problem. Therefore, it is important to report this to your GP.
People who simply don't want to settle for clutter can also be a cause for concern. There may be more fundamental interpersonal issues involved.
“It's never just about socks,” says Kiandra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “It's really about lack of communication skills, other needs, gender roles, or something deeper.”
If someone in your family is particularly picky about clutter, she says, it may be more of a management issue than cleanliness that that person may need to work on in individual therapy. Ta. If you get stuck, Jackson says couples therapy or simply working with an organizer can also help you come to a better understanding.
Be strategic about how you talk about it.
While outside support can sometimes be helpful, Jackson says sometimes just learning new communication tactics can defuse conflict. Don't bring up the topic of clutter when those involved are hungry or tired, she said. Also, watch out for nagging, which is characterized by her repeating the same thing over and over again.
“Try a different route, a different tone of voice, a different time of day,” Jackson urged. It was like writing an email at the end of a long week at work instead of arguing about the mess.
Express your expectations carefully and review them often, Jackson said, as regular reviews can prevent frustration from building up. Although she did not mention specific times for these conversations, as each family is different, she encouraged people entering new seasons of life (such as after having a baby or changing jobs) to discuss family expectations.
“Even if your preferences just change, you need to vocalize them,” she says.