As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extoll the virtues of open and honest communication. They say that in order to have good sex, and to keep it good over the long term, couples need to be willing to talk about it.
But Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and author of Achieving Intimacy: How to Build Lasting, Loving Relationships, says it's more human-friendly than having such conversations, especially when things aren't going well in the bedroom. Some people say they want to walk away from the relationship. Especially well.
“One of the things I often say to couples who are having problems is, 'I wish we could have gotten through this situation differently,'” he says. “But the only way to have a better sex life or restart your sex life is to talk about it.”
Dr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful these conversations can be and how they can sometimes escalate into blaming, belittling, and stonewalling situations. That said, you may find these suggestions helpful.
Embrace the awkwardness.
It's common for partners to have difficulty talking about intimacy and desire. Research shows that even in long-term relationships, people only know about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually and only about 25 percent of what they don't like.
Cindy Darnell, a sex and relationship therapist in New York City, says her patients often tell her that talking about sex is “awkward,” but “especially for people who have avoided sex for months or years.” Yes,” he said.
“We have been led to believe that sex is natural,” she added. “But if it were easy and natural, people wouldn't struggle as much.”
She told a story about a couple she worked with. Both men were in their 50s and had not had sex in years. Every time they talked about it, they fought. So they sought outside help to help them overcome their embarrassment and anger.
In therapy, they realized that while they were only focused on penetration, her husband really wanted intimacy and tenderness. And when her wife understands that she's not going to “fall on her” whenever her husband hugs her, the couple can be more sensual and open to what they want and Darnell said he is now able to talk about why. . But it required drive, curiosity, and a spirit of acceptance.
Death to “We need to talk.”
The fear that often accompanies such conversations may be alleviated by being careful. “When a partner says, “I want to talk to you,'' the other person is like, “I'm going to the principal's office,'''' Dr. Chernin says.
Instead, try the following:
focus on problem solving together
It means saying something like: “On the one hand, I know how difficult it is to talk about this,” Dr. Chernin said. “On the other hand, I think being able to discuss our sex life is important to our marriage and relationship.”
Then ask, “What can I do about it?”
Prepare questions in advance
Darnell said the script provides scaffolding. She offered the following suggestions: “Our relationship is really important to me, and I want sex to be a part of it too (again). I wanted to know if you'd be interested in that too?”
incorporate positive elements
“It doesn't have to be explicit,” said Maggie Bennett Brown, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and an assistant professor at Texas Tech University. Maybe you tell your partner that you like being hugged or making plans for a romantic night on the town.
If it's been a while since you've been in an intimate relationship, it can be helpful to look back on your memories, which can lead to deeper questions. “If someone has never had the conversation, 'What do you enjoy doing?' That's a good first step,” said Dr. Bennett Brown.
Be careful with the timing
Dr. Chernin says be careful about starting discussions about sex in bed, especially if you're being judgmental. (However, he says some couples may find it easier to talk about sex when they're immersed in the moment.)
“Think of the conversation as a series of discussions,” Dr. Chernin said. “That way you don't put too much pressure on yourself or your partner.”
Know when to consult a professional.
If your partner doesn't want to talk, or if the conversation feels not only uncomfortable but painful, a sex therapist or couples counselor may be able to help mediate, Darnell said.
She did not underestimate how high-stakes these conversations can be. However, she added that sex may not necessarily be a necessary component of a satisfying relationship.
“One of the questions I often ask couples where sex is a rare and difficult issue is, 'Does this relationship need to be sexual?'” she said. She worked with one couple in their 30s and 40s who noticed that she liked exchanging flirty banter, but she didn't want to go any further. “The permission not to have sex at this stage in the relationship was huge and a relief,” she said.
“Sex is more than just what you do when you take your pants off,” she said.
