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When Amanda Montey started reporting stories last year about couples having little or no sex, she had no idea how open people would be about their sex lives. .
But to my surprise, many couples were happy, even grateful, to talk about it.
“It was like a pressure valve was released,” Montei said of her conversations with more than 30 married people who are among the 50% of American adults who have sex once a month or less. She said: “Most couples I spoke to said they felt safe talking to me because they were able to talk openly about their sex lives without judgment.”
The article, published this month in The New York Times Magazine's Modern Love issue, is based on phone and video conversations with couples in seven states, as well as Canada, the United Kingdom, and Italy. It took. report.
“My main realization is that there are so many factors that influence a person's desires,” she said. “This is a very complex negotiation with ourselves and our bodies and our current cultural moment.”
In a phone call from his home in the San Francisco Bay Area, Montei talks about how he helps his sources feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their private lives and what issues he wants to tackle next in his reporting. Ta. These are edited excerpts.
How did you come up with the idea for this article?
Last fall, I published a book about motherhood and sexuality. And so many from readers who identified with the book, who saw themselves represented in it, and who realized that motherhood has affected the way they view their bodies, their sex lives, and their relationships. I received a memo. Writing and publishing this book made me even more interested in women's sexual lives, especially how their desires change as they age and become parents. What marriage tends to require of women. and how people in long-term heterosexual relationships navigate today's changes.
Recently, there has been a shift in the public conversation about traditional marriage. While questions about polyamory and monogamy have been covered a lot, there hasn't been much coverage about marital sex and what it looks like today. I wanted to explore that.
Have you asked people to use their full names?
I tried it too, and most people wanted some level of anonymity. I think this speaks to how shameful and secretive this issue is. Many couples I spoke to said this was not something they talked about with others. That was especially true for men.
How did you obtain the sources and publish them?
I've been writing openly about my life, so I think that's helped clarify some of my sources. These couples knew I was there to listen and didn't have a predetermined agenda.
What was the biggest challenge in writing the report?
There was a lot to say about the couple's sexual history. Many women write to me with stories of trauma and violence in their marriages. Some couples are neither heterosexual nor monogamous. For me, this is a study of today's heterosexual and monogamous marriages, and I felt it was important to keep the focus on that.
What was the biggest surprise?
I expected that there would be a lot of straight men who would be irritated by women who have low desire awareness or who feel disconnected from their desires. But I found the men I talked to to be really patient, empathetic, and thoughtful about issues of consent. They were curious and trying to figure out the best way they could support their partner.
Were you surprised by reader reactions?
This piece definitely went in a direction I didn't expect. People have opinions about marriage and sex, and the popularity of this piece shows how desperate people are to talk about these topics. They want to have more open conversations about sex, desire, partnership, and what all of that is like today.
Still have questions after reporting this article?
What I didn't have the space to explore in this piece is how cultural beliefs about desire, sex, and expectations of intimacy in relationships are spread online. There are several ways in which digital spaces and social media have created space for more diverse expressions of desire, sexuality, and partnership. But there are also plenty of pro-marriage accounts, influencers, and so-called intimacy experts who advocate regressive ideas about married women.
In an age of wellness culture and an unregulated relationship coaching industry, we see a lot of relationship, intimacy, and sex coaches online who advocate fairly traditional gender roles under the guise of health and relationship stability. . Others are more passionate about helping people understand and articulate their desires and sexuality.