Her four adult children agreed.
Their father, William Currie, a former electrician and businessman, was suffering from worsening dementia. They had found a memory care facility about a mile from his parents' home in Chelmsford, Mass., and thought Mr. Curry would do a better job.
But when her family began to encourage this change in 2016, her 83-year-old mother, Melissa, was at home caring for her 81-year-old husband, despite the increasing strain on her own health. She did not change her decision to continue providing care. Her daughter Shannon Curry, 56, said that even when her children raised the issue of moving, “she didn't talk about it.” Sometimes she would cry. ”
But Melissa Curry's memory was also failing. She forgot to give her husband her medicine or got her dose wrong. Her family was worried about a fall or a fire. Even after convincing her to accept her hired aide a few days a week, the couple was still alone most days and nights.
As the weeks went by, “we really got stuck,” Curry said. “Are you going to ignore your mother?”
Enter the intermediary. Through her friend, Curry learned about Elder Decisions, a company that provides “elderly family mediation.” Her parents and her siblings all agreed to try it. Crystal Thorp, president and founder of the company, and her co-mediator Rick Larsen interviewed families over the phone and scheduled sessions around the parents' dining room table.
Often associated with business disputes or divorce and custody cases, trained mediators can assist with the aging process, including appropriate housing arrangements, caregiving responsibilities, communication and information sharing, health and financial decisions, and more. We can also help families who are struggling with a variety of complex caregiving issues.
When families seek mediation, Thorpe explains, they “want to do what's best, but they have different perspectives on what 'best' means.”
In some cases, a court may order mediation for an elderly person, which usually involves guardianship, property, and inheritance. How often that happens depends on state law and individual judges' enthusiasm for the process.
“It would be great if more judges said, 'We need a mediator, we need a mediator,' pick one from the approved list,” says the National Academy of Elder Law Lawyers in New York. said Julie Ann Calareso, chapter president.
But increasingly, families are seeking private elder mediation before disputes end up in court and family relationships are jeopardized or destroyed.
“The more families can avoid litigation — its expense and stress — the better the outcome,” said Beth Polner Abrahams, a trained mediator and senior Long Island lawyer. “There will be no winners or losers. There will be compromises.”
Conciliation is different from arbitration, where an arbitrator considers the arguments and makes a decision that the adversary agrees to accept. The mediator remains neutral and helps the parties reach an agreement that focuses on the older person's needs and wishes.
Thorpe said even people who lack legal capacity can often make their wishes known. If that is not possible, the mediator may rely on the person's previous statements and documents.
Mediation is different from family therapy, but the sessions can be similarly emotional as participants get angry, cry, heal old wounds, and vent their frustrations.
“This is a troubling situation,” says Delilah Bergan, an elder mediator in Denton, Texas, and co-chair of the Elder Mediation Division of the Conflict Resolution Association.
“We don't try to make everyone happy and cheerful and love each other. That's a therapist's job. But we try to keep them talking without calling them names and keep them focused on their problems. , you can stay calm.”
She recalled a dispute over the family home that the widow was preparing to sell to fund independent living. Bergan said she felt one of the children “owed the house.” That's because she had lived in her house for several years and had donated money to renovate it.
“But among the other children and grandchildren, there was no consensus about it,” Bergan said. “The fight got really ugly.”
After three months of negotiations, the family reached a compromise in which the daughter would buy the house at a price the mother accepted. “It was an agreement that everyone could live with,” Bergan said, even if the resentment persisted.
In some cases, the parties may document their decisions in a memorandum, list of next tasks, care schedule, etc. Family members may agree to exchange information with the family's private website and text chain.
The process and any resolution achieved will be kept confidential. This is valuable because some families may feel embarrassed to even admit that they have sought mediation. Afterwards, the mediator may continue to contact the family at their request to facilitate communication.
Elder mediation is a fairly new field and there are no national certification or licensing requirements, so approaches and costs vary. Mediation may last 90 minutes, three hours, or several days. Some mediators are also lawyers or social workers. Some involve senior lawyers and financial advisors in the process.
In Texas, Bergan works alone and charges $1,500 to $2,500 for most senior citizen mediation cases. In expensive Massachusetts, Elder Decisions typically employs two intermediaries and charges $400 to $500 an hour.
But the alternatives could be disastrous. Litigation can take months or even years and cost tens of thousands of dollars.
To find a trained mediator, families can consult the Conflict Resolution Association, Academy of Family Mediators, or mediate.com to find professionals who provide elder mediation. (Although their numbers are still small, mediation is increasingly taking place online and is becoming more widely available, regardless of where families live or where mediators practice.) )
Not always successful. If key family members refuse to come to the negotiating table, “mediation without them present is not appropriate,” Thorp says. “If there's a sense of coercion or suspicion of abuse or neglect, that's not appropriate.” She expects participants to show good faith and a commitment to solutions.
Successful mediation can maintain or strengthen bonds, allowing families to celebrate birthdays, graduations, and weddings together despite past conflicts. Masu. “They should be able to stand by their parents' graves together,” Abrahams said.
William and Melissa Curry and their children spoke with Ms. Thorp and Ms. Larsen for about an hour and a half, with the youngest participant from South Carolina on speakerphone.
Shannon Curry described the late April session as a “problem-solving meeting where everyone felt heard and everyone felt like they had a voice,” including her father. “We talked about compromise: What can be tolerated and what can't be tolerated?” she recalled. “It was mostly a very loving attempt to find a solution.”
With her mother's consent, the family moved Curry into a new apartment a few months later. She was less isolated than when she was in her home, became friendly with her staff and other residents, and seemed to enjoy the activities. His wife visited once or twice a day, and she attended meals, fitness classes, and seemed to benefit from the social interaction as well.
He passed away at the age of 82, eight months after moving. Four years later, his wife died at the age of 88 in the same memory care unit.
Not all families are able to resolve their disputes in one session of mediation, but in this case, “mediation was extremely helpful,” Shannon Curry said. “I wish I had done it two years earlier.”